It’s been 14 months since I had my first c-section and 5 weeks since my 2nd one, yet now more than before I feel rather funny about it. Everyday I struggle with how to emotionally and physically come to terms with my cesarean.
Almost 2 years ago I was prepared well for a natural hypno birthing home water birth, my birth plan was typed out and everyone was aware and it felt great. I was over the moon with such an easy high energetic pregnancy without any complaints a healthy baby and a great midwife. My due date came and my labor started in the evening on the 21st of November. During my pregnancy I did a lot of research on natural birth, pain relief methods and read articles that Dr. Michel Odent had written. Nature, my birth was going to be aligned with nature, allowing my body to take it’s time, talking to my precious baby and not stressing. My contractions came and my pain was so intense (have a high pain threshold) but oh my gosh this was unbearable and it had just started. Every contraction the pain went from 0 to 10 in seconds. With no pain medication just breathing I managed to keep them under control. Hours past by, contractions come and go and before I know it we are in the evening of the 22nd. The midwife asked me if it was okay with me to check my cervix as I have been laboring for quite some time but she hasn’t noticed any difference nor did my water break, reluctantly I agreed.
Not much progress almost 4cm dilated, in my head I told myself that’s fine it’s going great, this stage takes the longest and my body knows what she is doing. The baby his heartbeat was good and I kept on going. As I had been standing leaning on the kitchen counter top most of the time my legs started to become shaky and I was cold so I went into the birth pool and lay down on the sofa to get some rest and let my body relax with the intention that once my body’s energy levels had restored a bit progress will go quicker.
23rd of November, nothing changed other than I had become exhausted and dehydrated (we didn’t know this at the time) me and my partner wanted to proceed laboring at home although the midwives thought differently the baby can only endure so much and will also get tired. At a certain point a director of midwives had come to our house and called an ambulance and “ordered” us to go in. So we did 😦
All that I wanted to avoid happened, pitocin, epidural, blood ph test on the baby and within 5 minutes of that I was cut open on the 24th of November with a sheet in front of me with my body uncontrollably shaking my first child was born. Born not in the warm hand of his loving father but born in gloved hands of a doctor in a sterile bright light operating room. Immediately taken away from me rubbed off and checked before handed over to his father and shown to me. Minutes felt like hours and I cried both of happiness because my baby was healthy and of sadness because I felt I failed. Failed as a woman not being able to bear her own child. Not being able to have that instant contact while he came fresh from my womb and not being able to give my baby the best he deserved.
The midwives tried to comfort me with the words; at least you have a healthy baby, yes this was true but it didn’t make me feel any better. As a matter a fact it made me feel worse. My beautiful baby whom I cared for with so much love and positive energy and being healthy was born at the cost of severe bodily trauma, a major abdominal surgery.
Being aware of the possible side affects of the medicines I had been given had me worried. Due to his stressful delivery I consented with giving him oral vitamin K which I now regret as the vitamin K shot has 20.000 times the levels a newborn “needs”. See http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2010/03/27/high-risks-to-your-baby-from-vitamin-k-shot-they-dont-warn-you-about.aspx
Thank God that my beautiful baby was able to latch on perfectly about 90 minutes after he was born he sucked and sucked and from that moment on share sleeping was born.
Next: At least you have a healthy baby
See you soon 🙂
Pure love has no conditions or boundaries. Love does not restrain itself or hold back. Love gives all the time and doesn’t ask for anything in return. Love is a continuous flow without any limits. And all of this is inside you.”