Monthly Archives: February 2014

At least you have a healthy baby…? Part 2

The midwives and people surrounding me tried to comfort me with the words; at least you have a healthy baby, yes this was true but it didn’t make me feel any better. As a matter a fact it made me feel worse. My beautiful baby whom I cared for with so much love and positive energy and being healthy was born at the cost of severe bodily trauma, a major abdominal surgery.

Not only did I and so many other women undergo this major abdominal surgery  willingly or unwillingly but no one informed me about the emotional scarring that comes with it. Never did I think that the “healing” of my emotional state would take longer but actually come later. At the time I was so caught up in the state of labor, the adrenaline of doctors and the meds given to me that I wasn’t a 100% aware of what really was going on, it all goes so fast.

So with my second pregnancy I told myself to be more laid back be less adamant in wanting this home birth in the birth pool, this time I was actually OK with birthing in the hospital “home rooms” just in case something didn’t go as “planned”. So that said and done I had my bag packed at 37 weeks and ready for that option. I did tell myself there would be a vaginal birth and not another c section as I’m perfectly healthy and so is my baby and I trust my body. Affirmation after affirmation, thought after thought as the weeks to my due date came nearer. Labor started and again I went from 0-10 in seconds when it comes to the intensity of the contractions. We waited a little bit to call the midwife out as we didn’t want to be to early admitted into the hospital since we agreed to labor the first stage at home. The midwife came when I had my contractions every 3-4 minutes apart, she found me at 2cm dilation and suggested to go in to hospital as she felt I’d have my baby soon.

Once arrived in the hospital in the middle of the night  for some reason the contractions died down until there was no contraction left, at the end of the following afternoon we decided to go back home as we all agreed labor would most likely pick back up as I’d be most comfortable at home. Back home in the night the contractions came back again (day 2) I managed to breath through them regardless of the pain. A few things I was paying attention to was a constant pain around my scar, after a few hours of contractions that night I noticed that constant pain. As I live a good amount of time away from the hospital I decided to check myself in that morning leaving my dear hubby and son at home. When I arrived I was constantly monitored with the opportunity to walk and move around, minutes felt like hours and contractions seemed to die down again. The monitor showed signs of my son his heartbeat dropping with every contraction but picking back up right after, this would be normal in active labor but since I still didn’t go into active labor and no more than 4cm dilated this was a concern to the doctors and certainly something to keep your eye on.

I called my loved ones to come in as things could change rapidly from this moment on and there was no way I’d birth my son without his dad and brother there. Hours went by and we discussed options, what to do next as this has been going on for 3 days now and the baby can only handle so much before he gets tired on top of that my waters ruptured a little bit. That made us decide to artificially fully break my waters to see if my contractions would pick up and dilate more. This didn’t happen. The next step was of course pitocin and an epidural, reluctantly I agreed with my focus still on my vaginal birth.

The monitor didn’t look great my son his heartbeat still dropping and picking up but now much slower than before raising a big concern with my ob gyn. At a certain point I agreed for them to check my cervix and there it was 7cm I was very happy with this news and in my head I screamed YES it will be a vaginal. Only to be disappointed straight away as my ob gyn said we have to go into the operating room right now. 5 minutes later I was prepped and another 5 minutes later my son was born. I cried and cried during the whole procedure. Again I felt I failed, what was wrong with me? Going over and over what could I have done differently, did any thoughts of doubt I had for a split second cause this outcome?

Laying there under that blue sheet, tears running down my cheeks, uncontrollably shaking of my whole body but at least I had a healthy baby.


Next: The emotional scars


My unwanted cesarean. Learn to love part 1

It’s been 14 months since I had my first c-section and 5 weeks since my 2nd one, yet now more than before I feel rather funny about it. Everyday I struggle with how to emotionally and physically come to terms with my cesarean.

Almost 2 years ago I was prepared well for a natural hypno birthing home water birth, my birth plan was typed out and everyone was aware and it felt great. I was over the moon with such an easy high energetic pregnancy without any complaints a healthy baby and a great midwife. My due date came and my labor started in the evening on the 21st of November. During my pregnancy I did a lot of research on natural birth, pain relief methods and read articles that Dr. Michel Odent had written. Nature, my birth was going to be aligned with nature, allowing my body to take it’s time, talking to my precious baby and not stressing. My contractions came and my pain was so intense (have a high pain threshold) but oh my gosh this was unbearable and it had just started. Every contraction the pain went from 0 to 10 in seconds. With no pain medication just breathing I managed to keep them under control. Hours past by, contractions come and go and before I know it we are in the evening of the 22nd. The midwife asked me if it was okay with me to check my cervix as I have been laboring for quite some time but she hasn’t noticed any difference nor did my water break, reluctantly I agreed.

Not much progress almost 4cm dilated, in my head I told myself that’s fine it’s going great, this stage takes the longest and my body knows what she is doing. The baby his heartbeat was good and I kept on going. As I had been standing leaning on the kitchen counter top most of the time my legs started to become shaky and I was cold so I went into the  birth pool and lay down on the sofa to get some rest and let my body relax with the intention that once my body’s energy levels had restored a bit progress will go quicker.

23rd of November, nothing changed other than I had become exhausted and dehydrated (we didn’t know this at the time) me and my partner wanted to proceed laboring at home although the midwives thought differently the baby can only endure so much and will also get tired.  At a certain point a director of midwives had come to our house and called an ambulance and “ordered” us to go in. So we did 😦

All that I wanted to avoid happened, pitocin, epidural, blood ph test on the baby and within 5 minutes of that I was cut open on the 24th of November with a sheet in front of me with my body uncontrollably shaking my first child was born. Born not in the warm hand of his loving father but born in gloved hands of a doctor in a sterile bright light operating room. Immediately taken away from me rubbed off and checked before handed over to his father and shown to me. Minutes felt like hours and I cried both of happiness because my baby was healthy and of sadness because I felt I failed. Failed as a woman not being able to bear her own child. Not being able to have that instant contact while he came fresh from my womb and not being able to give my baby the best he deserved.

The midwives tried to comfort me with the words; at least you have a healthy baby, yes this was true but it didn’t make me feel any better. As a matter a fact it made me feel worse. My beautiful baby whom I cared for with so much love and positive energy and being healthy was born at the cost of severe bodily trauma, a major abdominal surgery.

Being aware of the possible side affects of the medicines I had been given had me worried. Due to his stressful delivery I consented with giving him oral vitamin K which I now regret as the vitamin K shot has 20.000 times the levels a newborn “needs”. See

Thank God that my beautiful baby was able to latch on perfectly about 90 minutes after he was born he sucked and sucked and from that moment on share sleeping was born.

Next: At least you have a healthy baby

See you soon 🙂
Pure love has no conditions or boundaries. Love does not restrain itself or hold back. Love gives all the time and doesn’t ask for anything in return. Love is a continuous flow without any limits. And all of this is inside you.”

The love for your children

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. -Rajneesh

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